Things to remember when you're an Evil Overlord
Posted: Tue Oct 08, 2002 10:26 pm
This was one of the forwarded joke emails that I actually thought was funny. I won't post the whole thing due to board space considerations, but I've picked out a couple of the ones that kind of apply to KR or KR type shows.
This could also be subtitled 'Cliches to use sparingly in fanfic.' [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]
The Top 100 Things I'd Do if I Ever Became an Evil Overlord
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
If anyone wants to read the whole thing, it can be found on here Overlord
And I thought it was so much fun that I added a few of my own. Anyone else want to play along? Another other fun bad guy rules?
Added by knightshade
101 I will not kidnap or kill the hero's girlfriend. It might seem like a good idea at the time, but really, it just makes him that much more determined.
102 I will not accept gifts from strangers, especially when they happen to appear in the midst of my master plan.
103 I will assume that any of my Lieutenants who get caught are going to squeal like pigs and therefore immediately move my operations to my secondary lair and change my plans based on the information that that Lt had.
104 No one in my Legion of Terror will have a criminal record. While this will make staffing difficult, people with records are too easy to trace and getting caught shows that they are lacking basic crime committing skills.
105 When my lieutenant tells me about some guy with a shifty past who works for some shadowy organization who as been hanging around asking questions, I will not say, "He is no concern of ours."
106 When one of my minions comes to me and says that he can't continue on because this isn't what he signed up for or he's not a murderer or the hero is getting too close, I will not try to bribe, cajole, blackmail, or threaten him into going on. He's obviously a weak link. I will tell him I understand and kill him
107 Rooms containing critical information will have 24 hour a day protection from an armed guard who has a view of all entrances. A night watchman making rounds with a flashlight at predictable intervals is not enough.
108 My Legion of Terror and I will only possess commercially available, mass produced weaponry, tools, and articles of clothing. While this may sometimes result in lesser quality equipment, items that are one of a kind or only available from one store are too big a liability to bother with.
109 I will not settle with making it appear that witnesses to my crimes are insane instead of killing them. It's messy, time consuming, and there is always the risk that some fool will believe them.
This could also be subtitled 'Cliches to use sparingly in fanfic.' [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]
The Top 100 Things I'd Do if I Ever Became an Evil Overlord
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
If anyone wants to read the whole thing, it can be found on here Overlord
And I thought it was so much fun that I added a few of my own. Anyone else want to play along? Another other fun bad guy rules?
Added by knightshade
101 I will not kidnap or kill the hero's girlfriend. It might seem like a good idea at the time, but really, it just makes him that much more determined.
102 I will not accept gifts from strangers, especially when they happen to appear in the midst of my master plan.
103 I will assume that any of my Lieutenants who get caught are going to squeal like pigs and therefore immediately move my operations to my secondary lair and change my plans based on the information that that Lt had.
104 No one in my Legion of Terror will have a criminal record. While this will make staffing difficult, people with records are too easy to trace and getting caught shows that they are lacking basic crime committing skills.
105 When my lieutenant tells me about some guy with a shifty past who works for some shadowy organization who as been hanging around asking questions, I will not say, "He is no concern of ours."
106 When one of my minions comes to me and says that he can't continue on because this isn't what he signed up for or he's not a murderer or the hero is getting too close, I will not try to bribe, cajole, blackmail, or threaten him into going on. He's obviously a weak link. I will tell him I understand and kill him
107 Rooms containing critical information will have 24 hour a day protection from an armed guard who has a view of all entrances. A night watchman making rounds with a flashlight at predictable intervals is not enough.
108 My Legion of Terror and I will only possess commercially available, mass produced weaponry, tools, and articles of clothing. While this may sometimes result in lesser quality equipment, items that are one of a kind or only available from one store are too big a liability to bother with.
109 I will not settle with making it appear that witnesses to my crimes are insane instead of killing them. It's messy, time consuming, and there is always the risk that some fool will believe them.