Things to remember when you're an Evil Overlord

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knightshade
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Things to remember when you're an Evil Overlord

Post by knightshade » Tue Oct 08, 2002 10:26 pm

This was one of the forwarded joke emails that I actually thought was funny. I won't post the whole thing due to board space considerations, but I've picked out a couple of the ones that kind of apply to KR or KR type shows.

This could also be subtitled 'Cliches to use sparingly in fanfic.' [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

The Top 100 Things I'd Do if I Ever Became an Evil Overlord

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

If anyone wants to read the whole thing, it can be found on here Overlord

And I thought it was so much fun that I added a few of my own. Anyone else want to play along? Another other fun bad guy rules?


Added by knightshade

101 I will not kidnap or kill the hero's girlfriend. It might seem like a good idea at the time, but really, it just makes him that much more determined.

102 I will not accept gifts from strangers, especially when they happen to appear in the midst of my master plan.

103 I will assume that any of my Lieutenants who get caught are going to squeal like pigs and therefore immediately move my operations to my secondary lair and change my plans based on the information that that Lt had.

104 No one in my Legion of Terror will have a criminal record. While this will make staffing difficult, people with records are too easy to trace and getting caught shows that they are lacking basic crime committing skills.

105 When my lieutenant tells me about some guy with a shifty past who works for some shadowy organization who as been hanging around asking questions, I will not say, "He is no concern of ours."

106 When one of my minions comes to me and says that he can't continue on because this isn't what he signed up for or he's not a murderer or the hero is getting too close, I will not try to bribe, cajole, blackmail, or threaten him into going on. He's obviously a weak link. I will tell him I understand and kill him

107 Rooms containing critical information will have 24 hour a day protection from an armed guard who has a view of all entrances. A night watchman making rounds with a flashlight at predictable intervals is not enough.

108 My Legion of Terror and I will only possess commercially available, mass produced weaponry, tools, and articles of clothing. While this may sometimes result in lesser quality equipment, items that are one of a kind or only available from one store are too big a liability to bother with.

109 I will not settle with making it appear that witnesses to my crimes are insane instead of killing them. It's messy, time consuming, and there is always the risk that some fool will believe them.

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Things to remember when you're an Evil Overlord

Post by Darknight » Wed Oct 09, 2002 12:40 am

Very witty, I love it! I'll have to keep all that in mind [img]images/smiles/icon_wink.gif[/img]

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Things to remember when you're an Evil Overlord

Post by knightimmortal » Wed Oct 09, 2002 12:52 am

*falls off chair laughing* Nice find, and nice post, KS, I will definitely have to uh....utilize those in the future. [img]images/smiles/icon_wink.gif[/img]

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Things to remember when you're an Evil Overlord

Post by Knight2000 » Wed Oct 09, 2002 9:06 am

LMFAO ROFL. Damn that's a good way to become overlord. It reminds me of stuid plots off the TV. For the first and only time, I watched Diagnosis Murder. The murderer would have been okay had he been content with no proof of murder (he tried to frame someone else). Instead, he went back to the framed person's polace and tried to plant some decent evidence on him and got caught. Villains will always return to the scene of the crime. If you're gonna do something, do it properly; and make sure you NEVER return. Go to Hawaii or something.

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Things to remember when you're an Evil Overlord

Post by Dreamchild » Wed Oct 09, 2002 10:41 am

If you want to view the whole thing then I've got it on my website at: http://www.calum.org.uk/jokes/overlord.html

I've got 220-odds pages of jokes and that is one of my all-time favourites.
[img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

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Things to remember when you're an Evil Overlord

Post by rusti_knight » Wed Oct 09, 2002 1:56 pm

*takes notes* So that's what I did wrong... Really, who'd have thought I'd left my common sense behind.

*laughs* Anyhow, that's great KS, I hadn't seen that one before, I'll have to store it for reference. [img]images/smiles/icon_wink.gif[/img]

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Things to remember when you're an Evil Overlord

Post by tharpdevenport » Sat Oct 12, 2002 2:06 pm

Here are some from me:

101. I will make sure that any executioner responsible for the choping off of the hero's head, is not masked as to hide is true identity as the hero's best friend and/or Sidekick.

102. I will not go on a all out shooting spree at my enemy and waste all of my bullits. As a addendum to this rule, i will also be armed with a back up weapon, so i will not be caught at the moment i am ready to see to his death and have to hear him utter the phrase, "Looks like you're out of bullets." after i pull the trigger.

103. No matter how small and unless and innocent it may look, it can and will lead to me quick demise. So my predecessor could attest.

104. I will not under any circumstances leave the hero in an extravagant and unnecessary death with a guard who stands by and watches him escape and is subsequently killed. Instead, the hero and all his rag- tag companions will meet with immediate beheading.

105. I will no imploy Robotic guards with easily accessable repair panels and programs that can be altered without challenge, so the Robot can attack me.

106. All and i mean ALL armed guards or any other member of my orginization will be hearing tested. It is not exceptable for him or her to hear a niose that is clearly definable and shake their heads as if it were nothing and go back to what ever the hell it was they were doing. As if it really mattered.

107. All weapons will have special finger print identification pads on the handles, so as to make them useless when picked up by a member of the good guys.

108. I will not engage my enemy in hand to hand combat to prove my strength and power over him. My strength can be proven just as easily by pulling a trigger or pressing a button.

109. Try and try as i might, Batman will allwyas win with something from his utility belt and i should leave well enough alone and not face him again.

110. I will not leave my enemy in a restraint device with two of my low witted guards watching him especially while one of them is depressed and underpaid.

111. Villains have come and gone, tried and failed and not one has succedded at over throwing the Earth. Not once will i assume i am superior and more capable, no matter what magic crystal, futuristic device or mythical source of power at my despense.

112. I will not make a list of a hundred things not to do while in the midst of the plan.

113. No matter how good it may seem at the time, it is always better with hours of thought. Spontaneous plans of assult or action rarely succeed and are prone to failure.

114. When reading from an ancient book of spells, i'll be sure that i throughly learned and comprehend it's old language so to pronounce the spells words as it demands... precisely.

115. I will not yell out in a insane fit of joy, "No one can stop me now!" Instead i will keep an ever watchful eye for those who will try to stop me.

116. I will not strap on a explosive device and enable it while the hero is in close proximity and insinerate both of us. For, after he is dead, there would be no world protectorate and stupidly, no world villain.

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Things to remember when you're an Evil Overlord

Post by KRR » Sat Oct 12, 2002 11:51 pm

Additions (from watching KILLER KITT):

-I will always make sure that my henchmen wear gloves and ski masks when they are being filmed, so they are not so easily identifiable.

-I will always scan for vitals; I will not assume that the hero is dead since he fell under a flimsy hot dog stand at 20MPH.

-When I gain access to a top-secret vehicle, I will control all aspects of the car; even the auto-roof.

-I will not fill my evil lair with empty cardboard boxes through which my enemies can crash.

-I will not tell my henchmen to waste all of their ammunition on a vehicle that I know to be bulletproof.

-I will not, under any circumstances, EVER leave my van, truck, bus, or safe house, abandon my henchmen, drop my weapons, and let my hostages get away just because I hear a police siren, but do not actually see any squad cars or officers.

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